Overloaded? Here’s How To Ask Your Partner For Help
Taking yourself to the next level at work is a great feeling. You’ve set your sites on something you want, found a way to get there, and stretched and challenged yourself in all kinds of ways. As you move closer to crushing your career goals, inevitably you will have more work responsibilities and less time for the day-to-day things. This is most often reported as feeling overwhelmed by chores, household management, and childcare.
A common complaint made by women in marriage and family therapy is that “male partners aren’t stepping up enough when it comes to completing household chores or taking care of the kids,” and this same complaint is also heard frequently from women in queer relationships (Huffington Post). Even if you and your partner already split household chores, the emotional work of coordinating schedules, appointments, and social activities often falls on women.
So, when crushing it at work means things start to slip at home, you can absolutely ask your partner to help you! You are, after all, a team. However, there are ways to approach this conversation without bringing up feelings of resentment or pointing fingers. If you’re not sure how to bring up the subject, keep reading for a few tips to help this conversation run smoothly.
Don’t Play The Blame Game
Pointing fingers and saying things like, “You never…,” or “You always…” makes people feel attacked, and breeds resentment. You want your partner to listen, really hear you, and be receptive to your needs. Bringing up old mistakes and grudges won’t help with that. How should you talk to your partner? This leads us to our next point.
Use “I” Language
Definitely begin your sentences with phrases like “I think…,” “I feel…,” and “I need.” This is how you speak to someone with confidence while avoiding an aggressive confrontation. When you use I language, you are simply stating how you feel and what you need without blame or judgment. Instead of pointing out the other person’s flaws, you’re stating how things are from your perspective.
Instead of having a conversation that sounds like this: “You never help out around the house!”
Have a conversation that sounds like this: “I need some help with household chores. If you could do the dishes or laundry more frequently, I would feel less stressed out.”
Which one would you be more receptive too?
Be Honest About Your Time Commitments
If you have a tendency to downplay your needs, now is not the time to do that. Be honest and upfront about the demands being placed on you at work, and how that translates into the time you have available at home. You are not a burden to your partner, so don’t treat yourself like one.
Ask For What You Need...Maybe A Few Times
Your partner can’t read your mind, so you have to get specific. Whether that’s splitting up chores, cooking fewer nights per week, or help with the kids, make it known. You might assume it’s obvious you’re drowning in commitments, but your partner may not realize what kind of help you need. Therapist Deborah Duley of Empowered Connections advises, “listing specific tasks [you] would like [your] partner to take over” (Huffington Post) will give your partner something s/he can do right away. Don’t forget your “I” language! Also, expect that you may have to repeat yourself a few times. It can take people time to get used to a new routine or responsibility, so gently remind if you need to, and don’t take it personally.
Remember that you two are a team, and you want to ask your partner for the help you need while preserving the relationship. Ask specifically to have certain tasks taken over for you, be honest, and say “I need,” or “I feel,” to communicate with your partner. These small changes in communication style will reap big rewards in the quality of your relationship, and you ability to balance work and home. Do you have any other tips for communicating with a significant other? Leave a comment and let us know!
Becky Holder is a content contributor for JUGs and works in education. In her free time she looks for the next best cup of coffee and great food. Follow along @rebeccalizholder on Instagram.