How to Nurture Your Village
One of the things this pandemic has highlighted, for all of us, is the importance of human connections. Being cut off from the people we love, friends and family, has shown us just how necessary these relationships are for our wellbeing. It’s easy, when life is busy and ‘normal’, to fall into a rut and start taking our friendships for granted – yet now, more than ever, we are realizing that just like our gardens, our friendships need to be tended to and nourished.
For women, societally it is acceptable to ‘give our all’ to our immediate families and our children and partners – to save the best of ourselves for these relationships. But we fail to realize that the women in our lives, the ones who shore us up and support us, our village, are equally important. Thankfully, over the last few years, there have been more discussions taking place about the importance of female friendships. We’re thrilled that this is something that is part of the current dialogue, and that more women are recognizing how essential these relationships are. That being said, the pandemic has definitely put a dampener on (amongst other things!) maintaining these relationships. Nurturing friendships during non-pandemic times is something a lot of us struggle with. Understandably, during the pandemic, this has become infinitely harder, because we can’t just catch up over a cup of coffee, or go out for fun, shared activities. It is hard to find ways to connect with loved ones when you can’t even give them a hug.
The good news is, there are ways to communicate with friends and keep those relationships strong even during these times. We’ve shared a few of our favorite ways below.
Go old school
There’s a certain, tangible pleasure in receiving happy mail that’s just for you. It may be unfashionable in this era, but there is definitely something still to be said for handwritten notes and letters. One way we love to connect with friends is to send quick little love notes (who says those only have to be romantic??) It’s as simple as dashing off a quick note reminding them why you love them, or congratulating them for a new promotion or job, or even just a ‘hi! I miss you!!”. Stick a stamp on the envelope and leave it in your mailbox for your friendly neighborhood mailman to pick up. Or you could also go the whole hog and write a full-on letter (gasp!) to a friend. An email might suffice, but a real letter will be far more cherished.
Go beyond “how are you”
Under normal circumstances, ‘how are you’ is a pleasantry that’s not really a loaded question – not like it is now. One way we’ve found to connect with friends is by asking different questions. One that we love is, what have you eaten today/what are you eating today? In many Asian cultures, this is a common greeting, and we love how this comes from a place of care and nurturing and moves beyond just a perfunctory question. A midweek check in asking ‘how is your Wednesday going’ also allows for more nuance than ‘how are you’.
Expand your discussions
Going along with our tip above, one thing we’ve found helpful is playing conversational games during zoom/facetime/phone calls. Let’s face it, Zoom fatigue is real for many of us, but one way to alleviate the monotony of digital hang outs is to be intentional about them and play games. It may seem awkward initially, to play a ‘talking’ game, but we’ve found that usually, they lead to some amazing discussions! Some games that we love are:
Playing these, whether it’s one on one with a friend on Zoom, or during a virtual group hangout, or even just on a phone call whilst out for a walk, have led us to some incredibly memorable and insightful conversations, and this has definitely fostered a stronger sense of connection during this period. Sometimes it’s also fun to just ask one random question to a group of friends at the beginning of the week and see during the week how everyone responds to it as they mull it over.
Be kind
To others and to yourselves. For all the above ideas, it’s wise to remind ourselves that there is no ‘right’ way to do the pandemic. Different people react differently and have varying bandwidths. Realize that even if you’ve reached out to your friends a few times, its ok if it takes them a few days to get back to your text, or to need a break from Zoom, or to require more work from you right now to connect (if you are capable of expending the energy). Know that it’s entirely natural right now, to feel as if the people you love and who form your village are slowly drifting away. These are extraordinary circumstances we are living in, and what worked before for our relationships may need to adapt – we just need some new tools for this current state of things. It’s maybe a tad more work, but the payoff, at least in our experience, is more than worth it.
Tanya Roy-White is a career changer and decided her mid 30’s was a great time to go back to university to get her Masters in Mental Health. She’s very excited to be a contributor for JUGS and write about the many musings knocking about in her head. She spends an inordinate amount of time thinking about food and books and would be happiest in a hobbit home with tea galore and a never-ending library (and a kitchen with an AGA stove, because, food, but make it fashion).
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